


Evening Conversation

by releni



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/releni/pseuds/releni
Summary: Takes place after Saiyuki Reload Blast volume 3.Sanzo and Goku talk about Nataku and other things.





	Evening Conversation

_“Five hundred years ago...”_

Sanzo looks out of the window at the cloudless sky, blowing out the cigarette smoke.

_“War God Prince Nataku descended from the heavens, defeated Gyumaoh and sealed off his family.”_

Sanzo has always known this, but haven’t thought about it since the early days of their journey West. It hasn’t been important. It was just a legend. 

_“That boy is the War God who five hundred years ago fell into a long sleep due to the greatest crisis in the heavens. His name is Prince Nataku.”_

He has never expected the War God to be a little child. He has never expected to even meet a War God.

“Tch, the obstacles just keep coming one after another,” Sanzo thinks, leaning against the window frame. This time they were lucky. He closes his eyes. It has been several days since their last encounter with Prince Nataku, but Sanzo keeps dreaming about it every night. Even during the day, he still sees it clearly. A silver blade slashing at Goku’s throat. The fear squeezing his heart. The darkness closing around him. It was too close. Again. And he couldn’t do anything, just shout Goku’s name hoping for…

“Pathetic,” Sanzo murmurs and stubs out the cigarette. The sun is setting down. Soon Goku will be returning back to the room from doing whatever he has been doing keeping himself busy with and Sanzo wants to have his thoughts sorted out before that.

A War God sleeping for five hundred years. A crisis in the heavens. A monster that was banished from the heavens for a grave crime and sealed in a cave on top of a mountain five hundred years ago.

*

It was hot. The path was steep and after spending two weeks on the road after almost two years in Keiun temple doing boring office work, chanting or rewriting sutras his body ached everywhere. And the voice was becoming louder and clearer.

“Shut up,” Sanzo gritted out as he leaned against a tree to rest for a minute. His heart was beating fast and he had trouble breathing. He really did hate climbing mountains, but at least he knew that he was coming closer to meeting the owner of the voice.

The voice hadn’t always been this persistent. In the beginning it was a welcomed change from his nightmares. A warm presence in the back of his mind. Never too much. It was just there. A quiet noise not that different from the sound made by wind chimes. But then it became louder and Sanzo could almost feel the pain and solitude. He hated it. It reminded him too much of his own demons and his own loss.

Sanzo hit the trunk with his fist and started on his way up again.

“A monster living for five hundred years? What kind of joke is that?”

He really wanted to hit whoever owned the voice and make them shut up. He wanted his quiet, peaceful days back.

The higher he climbed, the quieter the surroundings became and when he finally stood on the top not even a bird could be heard. The only sound was inside his mind, but even that suddenly seemed muted. He inhaled the fresh air. It felt as if he suddenly stepped into a different world.

He looked around. There was a dark cave with tall columns that made it seem like a cage. Sanzo exhaled, remembering why he came and started toward the cave prepared to kill anybody who was inside. As he was closing in, he noticed the great amount of seals on each column. For a brief moment Sanzo wondered if he should turn around, but just thinking about living the rest of his life with a voice in his head grating on his nerves made him even more determined.

“Hey, are you the one who’s been calling me?” Sanzo shouted, standing right outside the cave. “Shut the hell up!”

“I haven’t been calling anyone,” said a soft, confused voice. “Who are you?”

“That’s a lie. I’ve heard you all this time. Cut it out!”

Sanzo looked inside the cave. A small boy was looking up at him. His eyes were widened in bewilderment and his mouth was slightly open. What a stupid face, Sanzo thought and almost unconsciously reached out his hand through the columns, wondering when was the last time he willingly touched someone. “I’ll take you with me. It’s not like I have a choice.”

The boy was still watching him, his golden eyes boring inside Sanzo’s. And then his hand clasped Sanzo’s and in that moment the wind teared off the seals. The columns started to shatter and Sanzo pulled the child out of the cave outside into the light. He was rewarded with a huge, bright smile on the boy’s face as he stood there, looking around himself.

Sanzo felt as if an unknown burden he was carrying around his whole life vanished.

*

Someone closes the door and it brings Sanzo back to the present. He looks up, still leaning against the window frame, and looks at Goku, who has a towel over his head and who is carrying a plate with something Sanzo doesn’t know the name for. But he remembers it is sweet, tastes like honey and he took liking to it when they were served it several days ago. He furrows his brows and ignores the warm feeling in his chest.

Goku puts the plate on the table and falls down on his bed.

“I’m tired,” Goku yawns and stretches his hands above his head. Then he turns to his side and looks straight at Sanzo. “How’s your arm?” he asks, playing with the end of the towel he now has half over his head and half over his shoulder and back.

“Fine.” Sanzo’s right arm twitches. Not for the first time since the fight with Kougaiji he thinks he’s lucky that his dominant hand is left. It will put him at disadvantage if he won’t be able to use both hands equally, but if he had to choose only one, he would choose the left one any day. With his right hand he always had to make a conscious decision to use it, even though lately it came easier than before. But the burns will probably never heal and since the fight with the War God his right side hasn’t stopped hurting. He would never say that out loud. Not even to Goku, but he supposes he doesn’t have to. He reads in Goku’s eyes that he knows. “Tch.”

He pulls out another cigarette, takes the ashtray and sits on his bed. He lights the cigarette up and leans against the wooden wall as he watches Goku under his fringe. Goku reaches out for a piece of that sweet thing he brought with him and starts to munch on it, but it lacks his usual enthusiasm.

“You won’t eat?” Goku asks suddenly.

“Don’t stall. If you have something to say, say it.”

“I don’t…” Goku starts, but then sighs and sits up. His right hand is fisting the towel he now has over his shoulders. “Before… when I knocked the little guy out I saw… something weird.”

“Weird?”

Goku nods, looking at his lap. “Sanzo, do you think it’s possible I know him?”

“What makes you say that?” Sanzo asks, careful not to show any kind of emotion in his voice.

“I feel like I know him. That I met him before.”

Sanzo technically knew that Goku used to live in the heavens, but he never really believed it. He doesn’t want to believe it, but…

*

“Sanzo, may I ask you something?” Hakkai asked from the other bed where he was lying down petting Jeep.

Sanzo mumbled something unintelligible. Just a minute ago he got into the bed, pleased that he was able to spend an hour reading newspapers in silence. Now he was looking forward to a quiet night. Hakkai should know better than to talk to him after he put covers over himself.

Hakkai laughed. “It’s about Goku.”

“What did that idiot do now?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m just curious about something. What do you know about his past?”

“I already told you about that before.” Sanzo closed his eyes, burying his face in the soft pillow.

“Yes, but what about before he was sealed on the top of the mountain?”

“Why are you bringing it up now?” Sanzo sat up, turning to Hakkai. He immediately regretted it. His stomach still hurt from being stabbed three days ago.

“The bodhisattva that came down to put the limiter on Goku said something interesting.” Hakkai stopped petting Jeep and looked at Sanzo. His face was serious. “She mentioned something about Goku living in the heavens.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t search through libraries after I told you about Goku’s true form,” Sanzo said and lay down again, bringing the blanket to his face.

“So you knew.”

Sanzo didn’t reply.

“Sanzo, don’t you think Goku would like to know?”

“He knows.”

“What?”

“I told him few years ago.”

“I see.”

Sanzo closed his eyes, hoping to finally go to sleep, but he wasn’t that lucky.

“So what did you read about him?” Hakkai asked.

Sanzo sighed. “Nothing. I don’t care. Now let me sleep!”

“Kyuu,” Jeep startled at Sanzo’s angry voice. 

Hakkai shushed him. “Just one more thing, Sanzo. Kanon called you Konzen Doji. Does that sound familiar?”

“No. Let me sleep,” Sanzo gritted out, pulling the blanket over his head. His fingers were itching for his gun, but if he fired now, Goku and Gojyo would definitely rush into the room. He doesn’t need more stupid questions.

That night, third time in a row, Sanzo dreamt about Goku meeting a tall man with a blond ponytail.

*

“Sanzo?”

Sanzo blinks. Goku is standing in front of his bed, staring at him with a worried expression. He really does have a stupid face, Sanzo thinks.

“Are you okay?” Goku asks again, leaning a little bit forward, trying to catch Sanzo’s eye.

“I already told you I’m fine,” Sanzo retorts, angry with himself for letting his mind wander again. He closes his eyes. “Don’t you already know the answer to your question?”

The mattress dips as Goku sits on the edge of his bed.

“When I hit… Nataku I saw him and myself. But I was younger, maybe the same age as him,” Goku starts quietly. “We were playing outside… but I don’t think it was a memory. My memory. I think he showed me.”

Sanzo blows out the smoke and stubs out the cigarette, pushing the ashtray further away from himself. Goku has his back toward him and his shoulders are slumped.

“He showed you?” Sanzo repeats, slightly irritated that Goku isn’t facing him. He wants another cigarette, but he left the pack on the windowsill.

Goku nods.

“If you won’t look at me, then speak. I can’t see you.” Sanzo bends his left leg and leans his forearm against it, holding back a hiss. He stretched his right side too much.

Goku looks back over his shoulder, his eyes full of sympathy. Sanzo glares at him, wanting him to continue. 

“It’s just a hunch,” Goku says. “Maybe it was a memory, but… it felt different.”

“Different?”

Goku turns completely around and sits fully on Sanzo’s bed, crossing his legs.

“When I thought you died and I went on a rampage, I saw someone.”

Sanzo furrows his brows. “What’re you talking about?”

“When we started our journey and you got stabbed because of me, my limiter broke, right? And at that moment I… saw someone. I think it was a memory.”

“You have memories of your past?” Sanzo’s chest feels heavy.

“No.” Goku shakes his head. “I don’t know who he was. I don’t know his name. I just saw him for a moment and…” Goku suddenly stops, faraway look in his eyes.

“Goku?”

Goku blinks and laughs.

“It’s stupid.”

“What is?”

“He looked like you, but older.” Their eyes meet. “He had a long blond ponytail and violet eyes. And they were shaped like yours. And the way he looked at me was…” Goku grabs his own shirt right above his heart, his hand shaking a bit.

 _“Wow! It’s so sparkly. Like the sun.”_ Sanzo remembers an old dream he used to have every night for a while after he killed Shuei. Goku reaching out a hand toward a tall man with a long, blond ponytail, his eyes sparkling, a huge smile on his face. Sanzo could never see the man’s face. He always saw the scene as if he was sitting behind the man, but he has little doubt that he is the same person Goku is speaking about. But that can’t be possible. That dream is just a weird figment of his imagination. It has to be.

Goku laughs, embarrassed. “He looked at me the way you do.”

A heavy silence falls between them. Sanzo really wishes for a cigarette. And whiskey.

“I told you it was stupid,” Goku says. “And it only happened once, I think. Or maybe I just don’t remember the other times.” Goku looked at his hands folded in his lap. “Sometimes there are days when I wake up feeling really sad. As if I lost something… someone important. Even when we met Tenjin, I…”

“Goku,” Sanzo interrupts him. “Didn’t I tell you not to think about stupid things?”

“But…”

“There’s no point in trying to remember your past. You’re here now. You live now. Maybe one day you’ll remember, but don’t let yourself be captured by it.”

“You’re one to talk,” Goku retorts, his hands rolled up in fists.

“That’s why I’m telling you. Nothing good comes from it.” Sanzo tries to get down from the bed, pushing Goku out of his way, but before his feet can reach the ground, Goku’s hand grasps his arm to stop him.

“Let me go,” Sanzo grits out, ignoring the warmth of Goku’s fingers digging slightly into his skin.

Goku lets out a quiet sigh and lets his hand fall down Sanzo’s arm, his fingers brushing over Sanzo’s wrist. Sanzo closes his eyes. Stupid monkey. He doesn’t stand up.

“Sanzo?”

Sanzo sighs, keeping his eyes closed. “You said you felt like you had met Prince Nataku before, didn’t you?”

Goku shifts next to him on the bed and in few seconds there’s a light pressure against his back. Sanzo hisses in pain and Goku starts withdrawing.

“I’m fine,” Sanzo throws over his shoulder and Goku stops moving, leaning against Sanzo again, now with even less pressure. It was rare for Goku to initiate contact between them. Sometimes he touches his sleeve when he wants his attention, but unless Sanzo is hurt he rarely touches him and if he does, he makes sure than Sanzo sees it coming. He learnt hard way that he shouldn’t surprise Sanzo in the first year of them living together. “Where do you think you met him?”

“Hmmmmm, I don’t know.”

Sanzo sighs. “Do you remember when I told you the reason why you got sealed inside that cave?”

“Not really. It’s been a long time ago.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Why’s it important? I know I did something bad and they left me there. And then you came,” Goku says softly and the weight against Sanzo’s back is suddenly heavier. Sanzo manages to hold back a hiss. His right hand burns. His side is itching. He’s uncomfortable. He’s annoyed that he can’t see Goku’s face, but he doesn’t want him to move away. Just for tonight he wants to feel his warmth – the proof that Goku is alive. That he is still here. And maybe it will ease his nightmares of seeing his Master, Goku, and sometimes Hakkai and Gojyo dying right in front of him as he stands there unable to do anything. He hates that the fight with the War God brought his nightmares back after they stopped several weeks before they reached Kouten fortress. He hopes to never see Goku’s body being teared through ever again, but he knows he isn’t that lucky. He really is pathetic.

Sanzo leans back against Goku and says:

“Five hundred years ago something happened in the heavens that made Prince Nataku fall into a deep slumber. And five hundred years ago you were banished from the heavens for a grave crime you committed. It can’t be a coincidence.”

Goku is quiet and Sanzo waits. There’s nothing else for him to say.

“Does it mean I’m a god?”

“Idiot.”

Goku laughs.

“Sanzo,” Goku says after a while. “You don’t need to worry. I’m me. I know there’s lot of things I don’t know, lot of things I don’t remember, people I forgot, important people, but… I’m here now. With you and Hakkai and Gojyo. It’s not like I don’t want to know what happened in the past, but these years with all of you are what’s important to me now. But…”

“Goku…”

“But,” Goku continues firmly, “I also want to know everything that can help us when we face Nataku again.”

Sanzo can’t say that knowing more about the War God wouldn’t be useful, but he hopes that Goku isn’t suggesting what he thinks he’s suggesting.

“He was crying, you know?”

“Who was?”

“Nataku. Before he disappeared.” Goku puts his head on Sanzo’s shoulder, his hair brushing against Sanzo’s cheek. “I didn’t notice before, but when I was thinking about it again, I think it was because you called my name. You called my name and he stopped.”

“What?” Sanzo’s voice is hoarse, barely audible.

“His hands were shaking and he repeated my name. And he cried.”

Sanzo’s heart starts to beat faster. Goku’s words are closing on him and his warmth is becoming suffocating. He needs to get away from him, but he can’t move. He doesn’t want to entertain the thought that if at that moment he stayed quiet Goku wouldn’t be here. It’s too much. He doesn’t want to be responsible. He doesn’t want…

“Sanzo!”

Sanzo blinks. Goku is in front of him looking at him with worried eyes. He’s not touching him anymore and Sanzo is grateful. He licks his lips. He needs water.

“Sanzo?”

“I heard you the first time.” Sanzo pushes Goku away and walks toward the table. He pours himself a glass of water. It’s lukewarm, but better than nothing. “Tomorrow, I’m going to look for information in Sharak’s library. We had a _History of the Heavens_ at Keiun temple, I assume she has something similar, too.” His gaze falls on the sweets Goku brought in earlier. He takes one and takes a small bite. The honey-like sweetness makes him realise he’s hungry and he slowly finishes the whole thing. Sanzo is aware that Goku is watching him, but he can’t face him yet. He walks toward the windowsill. The sun already set down and the room is only lightened by the moonlight. Sanzo takes out the cigarette, lights it up and when he inhales the smoke in, he finally feels a bit more at ease.

“There are books about Nataku?” Goku asks quietly.

“Maybe.”

“Are there books about me?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”

“Why?”

Sanzo sighs. He should just tell Goku to shut up and go to bed. Or he should just lie down and ignore his questions, but for some reason he feels that Goku needs an answer. He exhales the smoke.

“You were just a stupid monkey with a stupid look who followed me home. I didn’t need to know anything else.” He looks over at Goku. He is sitting on his own bed and munching on the sweets.

“Hmmm.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Goku says, but then he adds. “I’m sorry you always need to save me, but… thank you for calling out my name.”

Sanzo doesn’t say anything, but he thinks Goku has it all wrong. It’s Goku who’s always saving him, but there’s no way he would tell him that. There’s no way he would tell him about the darkness that enveloped him when he thought Goku had died. No way in hell.

“Sanzo, what if I try to take off my limiter?”

“Are you stupid?” Sanzo expected it. He knew Goku would suggest it, but he can’t see what good it can do. Seiten Taisei never showed any kind of… Wait. The very first time he saw Goku’s true form, before the limiter materialized, he cried, he spoke. But that…

“I feel that if I think about Nataku before taking it off, I might remember something.”

“Goku,” Sanzo sighs.

“I know it’s dangerous, but I want to try something!”

“Let me look through the library first.”

“Ah, right, you’re still injured.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” Sanzo huffs and stubs out the cigarette. He needs time to think. He wants to look if there’s something written about Seiten Taisei. Who he is. What he is. He walks over to the table and lights up the oil lamp. Then he looks at Goku. His face is covered in shadows, but he can see the lamp light reflecting in his golden eyes. He watches him quietly.

_The silver blade is slashing through the air. Sanzo is shouting, desperate to stop the War God, knowing it’s too late._

He takes two steps and sits on the edge of Goku’s bed. He reaches out his palm and puts it on Goku’s head, carving his fingers through the still damp hair. His thumb stops over the gold limiter, softly caressing the cold metal.

“San…zo?”

Sanzo refuses to meet Goku’s eyes. He isn’t sure what he’s doing, but he wants to feel Goku’s warmth. The proof that he is living and breathing. The proof that he is here. That his head didn’t fly off as Sanzo keeps seeing in his dreams.

“Sanzo?”

“Shut up,” he murmurs. “Shut up.” For a brief moment Sanzo wonders what would happen if he removed the metal, but he hopes it never comes to that. There’s no guarantee that Goku would really remember anything. There’s too much unknown, too much that could go wrong that would only cause Goku being hurt.

He glances down. Goku’s eyes are closed. Sanzo curls a strand of Goku’s hair around his finger.

“If I grow out my hair, would you brush it for me again?” Goku asks, his voice deeper than Sanzo’s used to.

“You’re not a child anymore,” Sanzo replies, tugging softly at strands that are stuck together. His fingers brush against the limiter again. It’s warm and it seems like it’s unusually bright in the darkness. Sanzo looks at his fingers and then back at the limiter.

“Sanzo?” Goku shifts and the gold metal gets covered by his fringe, but Sanzo still feels the residue of warmth on the tips of his fingers.

“Is your limiter warm?”

“No?” Goku puts his palm over it anyway. “No.”

Sanzo touches the metal again. It’s cold.

“Are you okay?” Goku asks.

“Stop asking that.” Sanzo gets up. “And go to bed.”

“But…”

“I’ll look through the library. Until I’m done don’t do anything stupid.”

On his way to the bed, Sanzo puts out the light, and for a moment he looks out of the window at the bright full moon.

“The moon is pretty,” Goku whispers.

“I told you to go to sleep.”

“I always liked looking at the moon,” Goku continues, ignoring Sanzo. “I wanted to hate it, because it seemed like it was laughing at me when I was sealed in the cave, but I couldn’t. I wanted to get closer to it, but I couldn’t. I could just look at it. Sometimes I felt sad, sometimes I felt safe knowing that the moon is watching me. Sometimes I didn’t feel so alone knowing it’s there.”

Sanzo continues to watch the bright yellow orb without words.

“The moonlight suits you,” Goku says, shifting on the bed, pulling the covers over himself.

“Go to sleep, Goku,” Sanzo sighs, suddenly tired. He gets to bed.

“Good night, Sanzo.”

Sanzo lies on his back, watching the shadows on the wooden ceiling, listening to Goku’s breathing. He expects a long, sleepless night, but soon he’s fast asleep dreaming about the man with golden hair and violet eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> "I want Sanzo to make a connection between Goku and Nataku," I thought and that's why I started to write this fic. However, the characters shifted the focus to other things and I just let them guide me. It's probably the most self-indulgent fic I've written so far and it's possible that my interpretation of Sanzo is different from yours.
> 
> The story is canon-compliant up to Saiyuki Reload Blast volume 3. The only difference is that when Kanzeon kissed Sanzo, he was given one of her memories. Sanzo himself doesn't remember Konzen.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> (Feel free to point out any inconsistencies or grammar mistakes.)


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